the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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