wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
