I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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