Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
