i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
