sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
