Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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