and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize