she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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