He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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