I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
