There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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