I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
