Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
