I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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