my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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