you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
