I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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