new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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