dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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