Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
