i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
