6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
