Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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