New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
