I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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