Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
