Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
