I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
