You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
