the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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