U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
