i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
4 words: hood of his car
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
