She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I currently don't understand fingers.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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