Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
