this just has baby written all over it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
