lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize