Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
