It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
