It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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