i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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