Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
