Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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