Sry I called you an 8
She is in my trunk
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
