apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize