I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Too much gin, very little bucket
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
