if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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