The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
