I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
