Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
