I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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