i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
