Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
