i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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