As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
