It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
