I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
