you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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