Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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