True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
