awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
