I was the one passing out cake at the bars
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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